Look, Mom—I’m published in HuffPost!
When my therapist told me I should try taking up space by talking about grieving my mom's long goodbye, I never thought it would lead me here.
The irony in the title of this post is that my mom will probably never see it.
No, correction: she’ll never see it, unless I show it to her, but then, she’ll forget it one second later. But that’s OK. I’m still here, showing up, and pushing myself creatively, emotionally, and learning to feel my feelings instead of pushing them away.
I started therapy again a few months ago because dealing with my mom’s long goodbye over the last four years (and still going) is catching up with me. My therapist told me it’s OK to take up space. To share your grief with friends and family. She didn’t mention strangers, but meh, it can’t hurt, right?
Parts of my life are going great. Work is good, check. I’m with a nice man, check. My friends are lovely, check. I’m traveling around Europe, check. I don’t have kids to deal with, check.
But then there’s a BIG gooey blob of grief sticking around. Honestly, I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s not linear. I feel like it’s aging me, but I also really like who I’m becoming.
Anyhoo, I listened to my therapist. I’m taking up space. So much space, in fact, that I wrote a personal essay about my experience of tricking my mom into moving to assisted living. To my surprise, it was accepted by HuffPost, which has around 25 million site visitors each month. Of course, not all of them will see or read my essay, but this feels HUGE.
When I worked with a writing coach at the end of last year to learn more about personal essay writing and pitching best practices, I set a goal to get at least one essay published. I didn’t set a timeframe. I’m not trying to make a living as an essayist per se, I just wanted to see if I could do it. If I could write something about myself, about my life, and share it with the world.
Well… I unlocked that goal and it feels SO GOOD. It didn’t happen overnight, and this isn’t even one of the essays I worked on with the coach. I’ve had numerous rejections as well. I also received loads of great feedback from the HuffPost editor to improve my essay before it went live. I just want to make all that clear!
So without further ado, here’s my essay on HuffPost.
I must admit, the most rewarding part of this experience has not been earning a byline on a well-known platform (it has been validating, of course), but the dozens of emails and DMs from readers, thanking me for sharing my story, and sharing bits of their stories with me has made me feel less alone and like I’m making a difference—that’s the best part!
♡
Here are a few snippets from reader messages (I have not included any names for anonymity).
“Just wanted to thank you for writing about a topic that needs to be talked about more. You’re a good daughter and did the right thing to make sure your mom is well taken care of.”
“I loved your article on your mom. It hit home in some parts.”
“You did good, I’m sure she would’ve been pleased with your dedication to make her life more comfortable… be happy for her.”
“You are a good writer, and this is something I hope many others read, especially before they have to do this with their parents. Thank you for your work.”
“I was very moved by your story and comforted by the fact that while your actions in other circumstances may be seen as deceitful, it’s necessary to provide the best care for those who are unable to do so themselves.”
“I have to say, reading your article made me appreciate how long I actually had my mom.”
“Hang in there, and my only advice is to try to visit often, even if she doesn't remember. But I think they know we are there, and just our mere presence makes them at peace on some level.”
“Thank you for writing that. It reminds me that writing about our experiences is helpful to other people, even though sometimes it just feels like it’s all about me. It’s not.”
“Thank you for sharing your story about your mom. I still think about driving my dad to assisted living, and the terror of him randomly deciding to read out loud every sign we passed. You did the right thing, and you did your best.”
“There’s no one to tell us the best way to handle this awful situation, or how not to second-guess ourselves, or how to keep from feeling guilty. I just wanted you to know, you’re not alone.”
♡
So, even if this is my only personal essay that ever gets published (although I doubt it), I’m considering it a huge win because…
1) It scared the shit out of me.
2) It touched other people and made them feel less alone.
3) The process has been therapeutic.
See you soon,
Alexis
P.S. If you liked what you just read and want to support me, please tap the heart and leave a comment below to help more people find it (and so I know what’s resonating). ❤️
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Alexis, I think I saw your HuffPo piece when it came out. Huge congrats!! Such a difficult thing to write about. I've lived it with my 93yo dad's looong decline (he died one year ago). I wrote about it here on Substack, tho never considered a more "public" venue for such an essay. My sibs don't agree with my feelings and get very angry when I express them. Ugh.
That was a beautiful piece 💛 My heart hurt reading it. That must have been so hard on you. Good job getting it into HuffPost. It’s going to touch a lot of hearts & help a lot of people.