Fuck "success"—I just want to be happy (I know this is cliché, but IDC)
My almost 40 y.o. brain (and 29 y.o. body, duh) is tired of the hustle.
The other day, I filled out a few prompts about success and failure in The School of Life’s Who Am I? guided journal.
Nothing earth-shattering—just a few short questions. Where do your ideas of success come from? What is it to be a winner? What is a loser?
These are the kinds of questions that I’d probably, TBH, not even bother thinking about a few years ago. I’ve since finished the workbook and enjoyed it (and… working on myself?), but I wish I could get a real-time analysis (from a psychologist) of my chaotic responses.
In the space about where my ideas of success come from, I wrote “societal norms and probably my parents too”, without overthinking it.
For a long time, my definition of success belonged to other people. A good job title, a high income, a partner, a mortgage, plans to have kids, and some vague sense of upward momentum. I’ve done all these things except the kids part. I’m glad I didn’t cave to societal pressures with that one.
Regarding the high income, I care a little less about this one each year. Yeah, of course, I want to make enough money to live my desired lifestyle (and hopefully retire before I’m dead), and maybe it’s just the season I’m in right now, but I’m no longer interested in the hustle or grind. I’m content with making slightly less money because, spoiler: less work equals less stress (at least for me). Why can’t we just be satisfied with what we have sometimes??? To me, that’s a success!
I used to subscribe to most of it. But as I get older (40 this September; when TF did that happen?), I’m starting to care less about proving anything to anyone. Or at least, I’m catching myself sooner when I slip into that mindset. If that makes me a loser, bring it on!
These days, success looks more like this:
Choosing rest without guilt.
Slowing down enough to notice more of the small pleasures in life.
Saying no without a twenty-line explanation (working towards NO with NO explanation).
Spending more time on hobbies than work.
Playing padel on my lunch break.
Taking more breaks from work to walk or stare out the window.
Being there for the people who matter to me (and fucking off if it’s not reciprocated).
Spending more time alone, usually on the sofa or curled up in bed, binge-watching or reading. Or my new favorite obsession is enjoying the afternoon sun on this €39 lounge chair that just fits on our balcony. Bikini season is coming!
Waiting for hours, sometimes even 24+, before replying to emails and text messages (a huge one for me because only a year or two ago, I felt like I always had to be “available”).
Making small adjustments to reduce my mental load.
Traveling more… we just booked our flight to Mallorca for the end of this month—travel recs are welcome! (And much appreciated.)
Doing things that scare the shit out of me, like pitching deeply personal essays to big websites.
It also involves surviving the hard stuff—caregiving for my mom who has Alzheimer’s and the grief, heartbreak, and sometimes resentment that comes with it—and still being able to laugh, still being curious about what’s next.
The idea of winners and losers feels ridiculous. In sports, sure, fine. But in life? We’re all on different paths, with different capacities and circumstances.
You can be “winning” at life in one way and still struggling in another. I’ve had seasons where everything on paper looked good, and I felt like shit. And others where I had no idea what I was doing, but I felt light and open and free.
If I had to rewrite the rules, I’d say this:
If you’re healthy, mostly happy, kind to yourself, and have people in your life to be silly and real with, you’re doing just fine. That’s the win. That’s success. Everything else is extra.
See you next time,
Alexis
P.S. If you liked what you just read and want to support me, please tap the heart and leave a comment below or share this post to help more people find it (and so I know what’s resonating). ❤️
P.P.S. This is the guided journal I was referring to, in case you want to check it out.
Comments
Have you recently said fuck you to the traditional definition of “success”, too? Tell us about it!
What does “doing just fine” mean to you these days?
Where do your ideas of success and failure come from?
In case you’re new here, hey! I’m Alexis—a Dutch-American writer from New York living my best life in Amsterdam. The Cool Aunt is where I share a mix of raw, honest, and funny words from the perspective of a kid-free woman approaching 40. It’s 100% free (for now), but I figure if I start asking for money now ($5 a month/$50 a year), I can reach my dream of becoming a partially retired middle-aged Cool Aunt blogger lady by 55. I’m offering the first 10 early supporters 20% off FOREVER. Thanks for reading!
Have you recently said fuck you to the traditional definition of “success”, too? -->I quit my job 9 months after being promoted to a mid-manager position to become a writer. I would say yes to this one.
What does “doing just fine” mean to you these days?--> Secure the future of my kids within reasonable grounds.
Where do your ideas of success and failure come from? Blaming your parents is totally acceptable here.--> I grew up with a single mother. She paid the bills while my dad travelled around the world for fun. I think we all have a part of the blame for this.
I was voted 'most likely to succeed' in my high school yearbook.
Now look at me:
* unemployed for nearly 2 years
* book sales trickling in slowly, not quite keeping me afloat
* debt up to my eye balls
* divorced
* a refugee with an apartment in Kyiv that might get bombed any day, taking most of my life savings with it
If this is 'success', I'd hate to see what 'failure' looks like 😭🤣😭🤣
(seriously, I have to laugh at this, it's my only way to cope!)